After February of Silence, comes Upkeep March of Changes and Road To Recovery. Why the name? Does anyone of you remember playing Magic The Gathering trading card game. I do. There was a phase before Draw phase called "Upkeep." It was switch the Mana (money/summoning cost) back to use each round. After I fell almost silent last month, I started to think about my broken life and almost fixed future. Not the illusion of a dream future, my "real life" future. The world is going to hell in a hand basket. I mean literally. Crime is rampant, wars are breaking everywhere, food and gas prices soaring in the sky like a hooker's fart in a Waffle House in Jacksonville. The fiat money is become scarce as people getting fired, lay-off or fucked in their economical asshole by peons of the greedy oligarchs. People are getting to much information. Even if it is a bad one or good one. Is the same like a fat kid eating cupcakes. Many people can not filter what is right and what is wrong. They being force fed by journalists, the new trends and many of those in the mainstream and "alternate media". Never thought to put a title to this month.
I thought calling this Month "March of Their Punishment." Sounds something picked out of the Count of Montecristo. I planning my revenge like Edmond Dantes did in the book. But, in the end, revenge can be hollow and vain, despite feeling respite. In the book was different, he was wrongfully accused, like I am by my setting. I am conflicted by it. Can't help it. Always felt I was outside of the society wavelength. Always getting early in the new trends, studying them like a mad scientist. Then I get to be called a freak or weird and then, they use to be like me after. Hypocrisy and deliverance can come in one hand at the same time.
I never pretended to be an asshole. But, the situations calls for a strong, cold and calculating person to get ahead without losing him/herself in the abyss of progress. I am expecting something yet nothing comes around. Is the darkest time before dawn. Can't see my acquaintances because of transportation and bad time. Stuff happens to people and as an ally, should be prepared all time. This my upkeep, waiting to be release in the wild of society. I wonder how I will use my new found freedom before gets taken away by control freaks.
I am free man. Always was, always will be. Albeit, freedom has its responsibilities. And people tend to forget that. Tend to abuse it, not appreciated it like a masterpiece. As I come to terms with what I should do in my broken life and glued in pieces future, there's not that many options available. My chances got stolen by "words of wisdom" by "friends and family." Derailing can be your worst enemy. It can come like a tank or a topless cheerleader. And also, it can come in "good advice" Most of their intentions are good in nature, but, they don't feel like you do when it comes to achieve a goal. It does sound like motivational crap. Is not my intention, though.
Change can be good, also, terrifying. I do love and fear change. It does scare the living shit out of me. Because, you tend to leave something behind in your memories, only to be accessed by remembrance.
I did change a lot. I'm not the same guy I was a couple of years ago. I'm total different person than 10 years ago. Feels like a lifetime, so do last month. Although, I don't keep communicating or writing witty statutes or replies to keep people thinking or with a smile on their rugs called face. I switch to this place, is far more better and I have more control. Guess who the control freak now, bitches. :) Change did good to me, in most of ways. But, in some, I still coping with it. The hard thing is to move on without them.
But, recovery can be a good thing. I still recovering from the hardships I recently and over the years faced alone with a few helping hands (I always feel appreciated when you help me out in my darkest hours). Maybe, I was recovered all along and still wanted to live with my pain. She's a bitter-sweet companion, though. Is like dating a beautiful lady with a bad temper.
In the end, people always change, for the better or for the worst. Is up to them how to react during changes in their lives. Maybe, I'm full of shit. But, at least is my shit and is in the trash bin where should be. One can keep wonder, because is the beauty of life. Wondering, hoping, dreaming, achieving, crying, masturbating, pooping, eating and every little detail that makes it a bitter, sweet and awesome ride. Could be that I'm bullshiting myself? One can know for sure.
